"I'm chasing You with all my life,
Captivated, I just can't get enough,
I'll spend my days running after Your heart,
Your heart, Your heart"
-Bethel Music, "Chasing You"
"Keep me as the apple of Your eye;
Hide me in the shadow of Your wings."
-Psalm 17:8
This year began for me with a conviction from the Lord to seek Him on a deeper level than I ever have before- to let Him show me how He sees me; to let Him romance my heart. Throughout this journey so far, God has shown me that I am the "apple of His eye," which inspired the title of this blog, but that all comes later in the story...
On January 1st, I moved into a new house with new roommates, and the reality of beginning the calendar year of my graduation from the University of New Mexico hit me like a freight train. God was drawing me out of my comfort zone, and it knocked the wind right out of me. I knew that God was calling me into a new house and I knew that God is calling me into the ministry at my church once I graduate this May, but the newness and proximity of it all meant that I did not know exactly what lay ahead of me. What if I don't fit in at this new home? What if I fail as a roommate? What if I am horrible at my new job? What if I heard God wrong about His plan for my life? Each of these "what if" thoughts took root as seeds of doubt in my mind. I let my fear choke out my faith that God is not subject to my own circumstances or abilities. ("Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?" -Jeremiah 32:27)
A wonderful friend of mine pointed out to me that I was getting my identity from how well I performed, and not from the simple truth of who I am in Christ. When we see ourselves the way that God sees us- when we see ourselves as precious in His sight, honored, and worthy of love (Isaiah 43:4)- then we can shift our focus to loving Him rather than earning His love. There is nothing we can do to earn God's love. The Bible refers to God several times as our "ezer" or "help" for a reason: because we need it. His strength is perfected in our weaknesses, and He wants to cause all things- even our shortcomings- to work together for our good to bring Him glory. So, I had to start by focusing less on what God is calling me to do and focusing more on standing in confidence of who God has called me to be.
* * * * *
I did not realize how much I love the scent of apples until I moved in with my new roommates. We used an apple scented soap to mop the floors, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I could mop the floor for days as long as I used that stuff. The downstairs bathroom also had (and still does have) an apple scented soap that made me walk around like a crazy person who cannot stop smelling her hands. This was an interesting discovery for me because I had never had much of an affinity for apples. I do not like apple flavored candy and the only way I will eat an entire apple is if I smear some peanut butter all over it. Now, this random side story is important because it is one of the ways God has used small details in my life to show me just how much He loves me.
After I realized the importance of knowing who I am in Christ, I started a word study in which I researched every time the words "in Christ" appeared together in the New Testament. I am not quite sure exactly how I got there, but somewhere along my tendency to go down rabbit trails of words and definitions I came across the phrase "apple of the eye" and God spoke directly to my heart that this is how He sees me. "Apple of the eye" is used in reference to something that is precious above all else, and comes from a Hebrew word that also means "daughter." This phrase and my new-found love of apple-y smelling things came together for me in a way that God knew only I would understand, and it was as if I could feel God just relentlessly pouring His love out on me. (I know this sounds extremely cheesy, but God also knows that I love cheesiness.) I was, and continue to be, captivated by His presence in my life and the little ways in which He speaks to me and wins my heart.
